Innsmouth Emporium
by Evan Mclean
ACT ONE
SCENE I
A repetitive tune echoes in the dark of an otherworldly expanse. Its tone is punchy, upbeat and obnoxious: the inoffensive melody of corporate music—stock-like, generic.
A strange purple glow floods the stage, illuminating thick plumes of grease-laden smoke.
ERIK MASQUE stands center stage; his arms held behind his back. At first glance, he gives off white-collar professional: a clean-cut career man ripped from a Men’s Warehouse catalog—his suit neatly pressed, loafers shiny and hair finely coiffed. The epitome of immaculate grooming. But looking closer, one cannot ignore the chinks in his dapper facade: he never blinks, his skin is porcelain smooth, and at his feet, a fleshy tube extends off stage (its length attached to a blood squib underneath the actor’s suit).
ERIK saunters upstage and addresses the audience.
ERIK MASQUE
Hello! I’m Erik Masque, Senior Vice President of Operations here at Innsmouth Emporium. Welcome to the team, and congratulations! You are now one step closer to unlocking the full potential of your career with us. We at Innsmouth Emporium believe that every team member plays a vital role in creating a unique and memorable experience for our customers. Whether you’re on the sales floor, in the morgue, or behind the register, your work helps bring our brand to life. In this training video, you will learn the essentials of how we operate—from customer care expectations and daily procedures to safety protocols and company values. Let’s get started!
ERIK flashes a cold smile.
The music ends with a rousing pop.
Beat; ERIK stares at us, still smiling.
Then the music loops back to the beginning of the track.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
At Innsmouth Emporium, we’re more than just a retailer. We’re a partner in the everyday lives of over 15,000 locals. They depend on us to deliver a level of quality, value, and service unmatched by any other chain in the region. If customer satisfaction were bread and butter, then Innsmouth Emporium would never go hungry!
ERIK lets out a hearty chuckle, silencing himself quickly.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
We value our patrons…deeply. Our procurement team goes above and beyond—day and night, across land and sea—to fulfill our customers’ every purchasing need. We specialize in, well, everything! You name it, we got it. Groceries? Check. Clothing? Check. Electronics? Check. Tomes bound in unknown hide? Check. Sporting goods? Check. Eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension? Check. Robes hewn for midnight rites? Pet supplies? Check and check. Innsmouth Emporium is the premiere all-in-one destination for shoppers of all demographics—no matter the race or number of tentacles. Everything is here! Everyone is here. (Pause.) We even sell toys!
ERIK brings his arms forward.
In his left hand, he holds a frightening toy: a grotesque hybrid of fish and frog and slug. Its surface is a web of stitches joining skins of different colors. The seams ooze a putrescent slime, coating the length of the toy’s gangly frame.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Meet our store’s unofficial mascot: Froggy! He’s a bestseller here in our toy division, and for good reason. I mean, just look at that little face. Isn’t he cute? It’s no wonder folks of all ages flock to the toy aisle day after day just to catch a glimpse of his goofy grin! People just can’t get enough! He’s cozy. Squishy. And thanks to a twenty-five decibel voice box built into his back, he’s fully interactive! Just pull on his string, and you’ll be laughing for hours. Let’s listen.
ERIK pulls on the FROGGY’s string.
FROGGY (V.O.)
(Giggling.) I’m gonna bathe the galaxy in your blood!
ERIK laughs heartily.
ERIK MASQUE
Oh, Froggy! You are a riot! Let’s hear one more!
ERIK pulls on FROGGY’s string again.
FROGGY (V.O.)
(Giggling.) You’ll be weeping when the reaper comes!
ERIK lets out another hearty laugh.
ERIK MASQUE
Oh I bet we will, Froggy. I bet we will.
ERIK puts FROGGY down.
The toy slithers away, stage left—leaving behind a trail of slime.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Now I know what you’re thinking. Innsmouth Emporium has such a vast inventory, is it even possible to memorize it all? Do we have a system to help employees learn the top-selling items? And will Froggy appear in my dreams tonight? (Chuckling.) Well…the answer to all these questions is…yes! Absolutely!
A faint giggle sounds at back.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Thanks to our immersive Learning Absorption Program™, you’ll start recognizing the most popular items and their locales in no time. You’ll just know what goes where—like it’s always been there, resting in the corners of your mind. We don’t believe in “forcing” knowledge here at Innsmouth. We believe in uncovering it. Each SKU, each aisle location—it will come to you naturally, often in the quiet moments. Sometimes just after waking. Sometimes in the dark. So relax! You’re not expected to memorize the inventory. You’re expected to become one with it. And if you ever feel overwhelmed, just remember our motto: “The shelves remember what you forget.”
The music ends with a rousing pop.
Then it loops back to the beginning of the track again.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Customer care is our top priority! It’s our job to ensure every guest finds exactly what they’re seeking during their visit. But what if the worst case scenario happens? What if a guest just can’t find what they’re looking for? They navigate all the aisles. They check the shelves. But they simply can’t find what they’ve taken time out of their short life to locate. Let’s watch a brief demonstration.
Two FISH MEN enter at right: one dressed in an Innsmouth Emporium apron, the other in a tattered pair of slacks.
FISH MAN 1
Reeeeeeeee!
FISH MAN 2
Reeeeeeeee!
FISH MAN 1
Reeeeeeeee!
FISH MAN 2
Reeeeeeeee!
FISH MAN 1
Reeeeeeeee!
The FISH MEN pause in place.
ERIK MASQUE
Uh-oh! It looks like our employee is in a bit of a pickle! The customer is trying to find a jar of extra cruelty mayonnaise, but we seem to be all out! Oh, no! What is our employee going to do to fix this situation? Why, they should check the stockroom, of course!
The FISH MEN become animate again.
FISH MAN 1
Reeeeeeeee!
FISH MAN 1 takes out a flashlight and a machete from his apron and exits, stage left.
FISH MAN 2 watches him go and nods in approval.
FISH MAN 2
Reeeeeeeeee!
FISH MAN 2 exits, stage right.
ERIK MASQUE
If it seems like an item isn’t on the shelves, never fear. Our stockroom is well supplied and often holds exactly what the customer needs—just go and take a look! But be cautious! Our stockroom is home to the mighty and ever voracious Shoggoth, ward to The Fount of Knowledge™! He is a relentless predator and is personally responsible for the deaths of sixty-five employees. Approach with reverence, speak no lies, and never forget to carry your company supplied machete. Never lead nor allow a customer to enter our stockroom at any time of day. The stockroom should only be accessed by Innsmouth Emporium employees. Should a customer stumble upon the stockroom by accident, leave them to their fate. They were as good as dead the moment they laid eyes on that ancient and accursed door.
The music ends with a rousing pop.
Then it loops back to the beginning of the track again.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Once we’ve done everything we can to take care of the customer—whether they found what they needed or not—our job doesn’t stop there. Creating a great experience also means paying attention to the space around us. A well-kept sales floor helps customers feel comfortable, confident, and cared for from the moment they walk in. After all, cleanliness is next to godliness. And we want to nuzzle up as close as we can to the big man below.
The call of a blue whale rumbles in the distance.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Let’s talk about a few ways in which we can keep our environment as polished as our customer service.
The scenery changes. A colossal shelf rolls onto center stage, its shelves stocked with canned goods.
FISH MAN 1 enters again from stage left, wheeling in a display case stocked with various cleaning equipment.
From ERIK’s line “When getting started”, the FISH MAN begins the demonstration, executing ERIK’s instructions as he gives them.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Start with the basics: keep floors clean and dry. When getting started, be sure you have all the necessary tools for the job. First conjure a Cart Daemon™ using the alchemical symbols in your employee handbook.
FISH MAN 1 secures a purse full of white dust from the display case and draws an incantation circle on the ground.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
See to it that you maintain a distance of at least six feet when the Cart Daemon™ first emerges from the Gates of Oblivion, or else the infernal flames of its arrival may sear you to a crisp.
The FISH MAN stands back as a hellish tower of flame bursts from the circle.
The flames clear.
In their place, sits a gnashing biomechanical cleaning trolley.
From ERIK’s line, “proper PPE,” FISH MAN 1 loads the cart with the corresponding materials from the case– struggling to keep up with ERIK’s rapid instruction.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Once fully materialized, you’re gonna need the proper PPE: disposable Ultharian Cat-Leather gloves, Kaiwan brand janitorial gloves, and Monocular set safety goggles. Next, secure a green scratch pad, white scratch pad, and yellow sponge to tackle those hard to reach stains—these should be in separate containers. Cleaning chemicals include: multipurpose, disinfectant and neutral floor cleaners as well as a cream cleanser, all made from a proprietary blend of acids and bases (His voice goes demonic.) that your puny mind would never comprehend! (Pause.) To finish off the top shelf, be sure you have a putty knife, detail brush and door stop. Moving to your second shelf, we will place liners, red and blue microfiber cloths, and a green mop head. Your bottom shelf is for stocking products. This can include: solid waste catchers, paper towels, fin cleanser, seat covers, sanitary bags, and cloacal tampons. Finally, we’ll finish off the sides of the cart with a high duster, extension duster, broom, dust pan, plunger, paper towel roll, caution signs, laundry bag, and mopping system. Once fully stocked, you are now ready to clean. Let’s go!
Beat.
The display case rolls across stage and exits stage right.
FISH MAN 1 stands in place, exhausted from loading the cart.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
(Laughs nervously.) Excuse me a moment.
ERIK secures an extendo-baton from his sleeve and rushes toward FISH MAN 1–prodding at him.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
(Through gritted teeth; prodding FISH MAN 1.) I said…let’s go!
FISH MAN 1 hops to life, wheeling the trolley toward an implied spill in front of the massive shelf.
He then performs ERIK’s steps cleaning the mess with a mop, trepidatiously.
ERIK puts the extendo-baton back in his sleeve.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
First, you’re gonna need to put on your PPE. Then once you’re fully protected, grab your cleaning tools, and get ready because it’s time to tackle every dirty corner and make this space shine! (Slight pause.) Please…make sure to address all bodily fluids immediately. Such surprisingly common messes can result in serious injury to both customers and employees. Once cleaned, place a wet floor sign over the damp spot and make sure the area is safe before walking away.
FISH MAN 1 finishes cleaning, putting away the mop.
Then, behind ERIK’s back, FISH MAN 1 flips him the bird, throws the wet floor sign into the audience, and wheels the trolley away—exiting stage right.
Simultaneously, a gigantic pair of gnarled LEGS built like fleshy walking stilts, their lengths attached to a towering unseen creature, enters stage left.
The LEGS walk across stage. And from ERIK’s line, “ before walking away,” the LEGS slip on the implied spill—snapping in two, a hulking piece of bone jutting out from the knobby skin.
A booming voice cries out from above in an eldritch language.
From stage right, a small toad pushes a length of blocky subtitles across stage that read: “Ahh! My leg! What the fuck? Sonofabitch! Motherfucking asshole! You broke my leg! I’m gonna fucking sue you!!”
The toad exits stage left.
Thicker plumes of mist waft in at right, obscuring the LEGS and shelf—allowing them to be spirited away off stage left.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Failure to do so may result in a legal suit against our company. So, please, be attentive. Regularly wipe down high-touch surfaces like counters, door handles, fitting rooms, and effigies to our Lord and savior Dagon Arrhenothelus.
A golden spotlight shines on ERIK.
He falls into a momentary trance, hands upraised to the sky.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
(Voice booming.) Sin’de R’lyeh Con’de-coo!
ERIK snaps back to normal.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
It doesn’t take long, and it shows we’re committed to cleanliness and customer comfort. Don’t let trash pile up—whether it’s behind the counter, at the register, or in the frequent buyer dungeons. When we stay on top of small tasks throughout the day, they never have a chance to become big problems. Real events show how quickly things can spiral out of control when we neglect our chores. Just take for instance the Schwarzschild Incident of 1997.
A heavy wind sounds at back.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
When a refuse pile of over 29,000 feet was allowed to accumulate in a loading dock, no one knew what to do. No force on heaven or earth could move the thing. And the stench it gave off was so revolting that all employees that came in contact with its nauseating bulk died horribly bubbly deaths. After months of aggressive expansion, the refuse pile finally collapsed upon itself, forming a black hole so massive and dense its event horizon nearly swallowed the whole of Innsmouth.
The wailing of a multitude of unseen sufferers sounds from at back.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
3,000 locals were sucked into the depths of the hole. Their bodies spaghettified instantly in the wake of its singularity. So much placatory blood was consumed by the pit that it tore a slit in the fabric of our reality, opening a portal to the Dread Dimension—where our adversary, the evil Cthulhu, squats in his den of filth and inequity. And you and I both know how we feel about that heinous stain on the face of the cosmos.
A chorus of “BOO!” and “BOO CTHULHU!” sound in the distance.
ERIK gives two thumbs down.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Boo indeed! (Slight pause, then spits.) Dickhead!
Beat.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Now, a clean, organized sales floor isn’t just about appearance—it’s a reflection of the care we put into every part of the customer experience. When shelves are tidy, displays are full, and aisles are clear, customers can focus on what really matters: finding what they need and feeling good about where they found it. That means regularly checking for clutter, restocking low inventory, fighting the leagues of carnivorous rats that have formed a hyper-intelligent hive mind and making sure all signage and displays are neat, accurate, and on-brand. These little details make a big difference. Well-organized displays not only help customers navigate the store more easily but also reinforce our professional image. So, take a moment to double-check that everything is aligned with the company’s standards. Brush up on the Hydronomicon found in your employee handbook in order to learn the intricacies of the Drowned Tongue. Knowing the local language before your first day will make your job ten times easier! It may seem difficult at first, but you’ll get the hang of it. I believe in you! In fact, I bet you know a few words already. Let’s test your comprehension. Qua’gey Du’onum Fleece’dey No Antu’onum Gla’zee! What does that mean?
ERIK pauses for an uncomfortable beat.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
That’s right. I just said hello! You’re learning already! Now, we’re almost out of time. But before we go, I need to stress the importance of our anti-discrimination policies. Every team member plays a role in keeping the store a well oiled machine. Every member. That includes these guys here.
Entering at right walks a tall sexless humanoid figure, its skin sickly pale and covered in boil-like scutes. This is a MEEP.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
This is a Meep.
MEEP
Meep!
ERIK MASQUE
More specifically, Meep 5023. An artificially crafted human being. These guys form the bulk of our janitorial service, food preparation team, product manufacturing guild, and inventory control. They’re the precious lifeblood of our organization! And without them we wouldn’t be the efficient customer-serving powerhouse that we are today. Isn’t that right, Meep?
MEEP
Meep!
ERIK MASQUE
Like you, the Meeps are an essential part of our staff and should be treated with the respect and dignity they deserve. Sure, they may seem repulsive, and their horrifying countenances may make your bowels ache to be voided. But they have feelings too. And, like you, possess that inalienable and elusive beast known as rights! So, treat them accordingly. That means listening to them, acknowledging their contributions, and creating an environment where everyone feels safe and valued. Discrimination, exclusion, or jokes at anyone’s expense—Meep or otherwise—have no place here and will be punished with a swift and painful execution. It’s not just about policy. It’s about…people…no matter how loose the definition. If you see or experience behavior that goes against our values, speak up. Talk to a supervisor, use the reporting tools available, and remember—your voice matters. When we support each other, we all succeed. And when we weed out the weak, we all prosper. Because whether you’ve been here for millennia or are just joining us—whether you’re a Meep or a manager—we’re all part of the same team. So let’s build a workplace where everyone belongs!
From ERIK’s “everyone,” he scratches aggressively at the back of his neck.
MEEP
Meep!
ERIK flashes a cold smile.
The music ends with a rousing pop.
We are left in silence.
ERIK continues scratching at his neck, grimacing loudly.
ERIK MASQUE
Excuse me a moment. I seem to have an itch on the back of my neck. I apologize.
ERIK turns, revealing a horrible blistering welt protruding from the back of his neck.
He scratches at it.
Then, digging his fingers into the welt on his nape, he tears off the offending strip of flesh—blood trickling and spurting down the back of his suit.
The MEEP stares at ERIK with hungry eyes.
Turning back around, he examines the skin flap.
After a brief wince, he tosses the flesh on the floor.
Then, losing control, the MEEP dives down and snatches up the skin—devouring it greedily.
ERIK regards the MEEP, gives a little smile (genuinely warm) and starts to caress its hairless head.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
(Petting the MEEP.) Yes, yes, all Meeps love flesh. It’s important that we feed them a diet of raw animal protein five times a day to sate their ravenous appetites. Their metabolisms work seven times faster than the average human being, so in order to prevent premature biogenetic necrosis—their strict feeding schedules must be adhered to. Be diligent in their feedings, and make sure to give them a little snack such as a rhinoceros every once in a while as a sign of appreciation for their hard work. It’s a simple act of kindness that goes a long way toward ensuring a consistent flow of Innsmouth Emporium products. Just don’t spoil them too often. Overfed Meeps have a tendency to surplus feed. So in their blood drunk search for flesh, they might just end up taking a bite out of you instead of a juicy rib eye. Isn’t that right, Jeffrey?
JEFFREY, a one armed Innsmouthian, fish scales glistening on his neck like a rash, enters at left.
JEFFREY
That’s right, Erik! They are a pack of hungry little critters. So watch out. Otherwise you might not be able to hug for the rest of your life!
The pair laugh.
ERIK MASQUE
(Still laughing.) Thank you, Jeffrey!
JEFFREY
(Still laughing.) This was my dominant hand!
ERIK MASQUE
(Still laughing.) Alright, alright.
JEFFREY
(Still laughing.) I can’t even write my own name now!
ERIK MASQUE
(Chuckling.) Okay, Jeffrey…back to work.
JEFFREY
(Satisfied; goofy grinned.) Mmm.
Beat.
JEFFREY stands there, nodding at us.
ERIK loses his patience.
ERIK MASQUE
(Voice booming.) Get out of here! Go! All of you!
JEFFREY rushes off, exiting stage right.
Beat.
ERIK gives a cold smile.
Still on its haunches, the MEEP continues to eat. Then, long after JEFFREY’s exit, the MEEP walks off—still tearing at the flesh.
The music returns, looping back to the beginning of the track.
Blood pools at ERIK’s feet.
ERIK MASQUE (cont’d)
Great service starts with respect, teamwork, and a commitment to doing what’s right—for our customers, our coworkers, and ourselves! Always be diligent in your work and you’ll go far here at Innsmouth Emporium! That concludes today’s lesson. Thank you for your time, your energy, and your commitment. Let’s keep building something that we’re all proud of in the hopes of ushering in a brand new dawn. Rey’who Floggen Ya’who Doggen. Long live the Dark Lord, forever may He reign.
Black out.
Evan Mclean is a writer from Boston. His short story “I am (Not) What I am” was a runner-up in literature.com’s Summer 2024 Contest. In 2020, his play A Holistic Approach to Death was chosen by The Reground Theatre Collective for production.
Image Credit: Morning Commute (2026) by Hameed Mourani
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